I was at RomCon this past weekend. It's a convention where romance authors and readers get to gather for a hell of a good time! And TRUST me, it was a hell of a good time! One of my favorite authors was there, Jaquelyn Frank. I've been reading her for a while now, so was really exciting to meet her. At the awards brunch (thanks Sophie and Chloe for the tickets) Jackie got up and addressed the audience. She asked what was wrong with us women. Why, when we get a compliment do we have to shoot it down? Why are we constantly comparing ourselves to others and finding outrageous faults of our own? It's crazy. Even though my self esteem is not too shabby, I find that anorexic mind set beating at the back of my mind. I was at the convention with two wonderful friends of mine, they are amazing women and I'm so blessed that they call me friend. Now one night we all got dressed up, all decked out. We looked HOT. Now while I'm saying we ALL looked hot, all I could hear was that evil little voice in the back of my head saying...too bad your body isn't as good as theirs..WTF?? Really voice, are we going to go through this shit AGAIN. I figured being 41 meant that I was passed that. Guess not lol. I KNOW that for being 41 years old, i'm pretty damned attractive. I'm not being concieted, just what it is. But knowing you are attractive and feeling it are two completely different things. Now I do excersise. I've been working out since October, minus 8 weeks when I had to get my pelvic guts ripped out of me. Well, not really, but TRUST me it felt like it. Anyways, eventhough I have not lost any weight. I am stronger and healthier than I've ever been. I feel great about feeling great, but feel like shit about NOT looking great. Well turns out that I've slipped back into the anorexic mind set again, THOU SHALL EAT ONLY ENOUGH TO STAY UPRIGHT. I have a history of fainting.
I have always been thin. It's a genetic thang! I was also very active as a child. So that helped. Unfortuneately I started developing at very young, age 10. Well trust me that the boys noticed. There is nothing quite like being told you have nice tits at the age of 11 by some teenage punk. Yea, was wonderful! I also had horny teenage boys in the neighborhood. I had a crush on one of them, hell we ALL did lol. At about age 12 is when abuse started from them. One kid kept pulling my bathing suit down in their pool. He did it so often that I had claw marks on my chest and boobs. He even did it infront of his MOM. All she said was "Oh Don, stop that" REALLY?? I would have bitched slapped my son into next week if he treated any girl that way. One night that kid and another kid (the one I had the crush on) held me down infront of my brother and felt me up, down, all around. NOW, i'm not wanting comments about this because I know a good portion of you women out there have had something like this happen, if not worse. This is just important to my personal anorexic mindset. The past is just that, the past. Anyways when I was 13, I think, my older sis told me that I had to be carefull because I was getting saddle bags in my thighs and pointed to them. Now I dont' think she meant to be mean, in all honesty I just looked at her like she was stoned lol. I didn't care. Fast forward a few months and we move to a completely new state. Being the new girl at 13 is a hell I don't wish upon my worst enemy, well maybe her as she was the cause of most my grief at that school. Anyways I was looking at pics that I had developed (pre-digi baby) and I saw the saddle bags my sis had warned me about....there went the eating. I was miserable in school, I felt like I had NO controll, but dammit I could controll my eating. I had acne, pretty bad infact. I felt my face to be more hideous than Medusa's, but damn I could have a good figure. After all my boobs got me a lot of attention the years before. I remember I weighed myself and I was 114lbs, I was about 5'6" by the time I was 14, but thought that was fat. So I ate just enough so I wouldnt get sick. Low blood sugar is NOT fun people!!! I also found out that taking NoDoze supresses the appetite. Well I got down to about 110. I was able to stay that way pretty much through all of high school. I would go down to 105, mom would yell at me and I would get back up to 110. I got called a bean poll on a regular basis. My friends were the pretty, popular ones. I was the tag along with the bad skin but killer body. I was lonely, couldn't figure out why the boys didn't like me, typical high school stuff really. We've all been there done that, would rather stick hot pokers into our eye balls than do it again. Looking back, I realize that when things were going good for me, my eating became more consistant and regular. My mom is a nurse, so its not like I couldn't ever eat. That women missed NOTHING lol. When things were bad, I didn't eat. Again, anorexia is mostly about control than weight. Granted weight is important to an anorexic, but the control factor is addictive. My lowest weight was when I was 19, I weighed about 100lbs. Yea, found out that weight when I was with my mom. Oooh that didn't go over so well. Got a 2 hour lecture from her, then another two hour lecture from my room mate. So I ate enough to prove that I was eating.
I got married when I was 21. The day after my 22nd b-day I quit smoking. I was about 105, 110 when I quit. I gained about 15-20lbs. I weighed myself once and was 125lbs. Was an odd weight for me. But I figured it was because I was married, husband is one hell of a cook, so I was eating lol. Of course I started smoking again. Then I got pregnant, quit smoking and gained about 50lbs lol. I lost all the weight within a few months. From that point till I was 34 I pretty much maintained a weight of 125-135. If I got above 135lbs I would smoke like a chimney and take diet pills. I started working out, I got down to about 125lbs again. I thought I looked good, but everyone else said I looked too thin, damned if you do, damned if you don't. Granted I was working out alot, but I was eating. BUT, I was also taking diet pills. Anyways I finally got sick of my mind frame. I only thought I was worth anything if I was thin. I used how awsome my body was as a way to attract attention. It was almost like I needed that validation, but damn one day I just realized how cheap I felt. SOOO I stoped working out. Figured I needed to learn to like myself NO matter what I looked like. Well several years and surgeries late I got my wish lol. I gained quite a bit of weight. I've been teetering on being overweight, but have managed, barely, to stay below the dotted line! Well I finally got tired of that shit. Although I do have to admit that I did learn to like myself a little bit. My husband had a lot to do with that. He's my rock and I swear I do NOT deserve that man, but I'm NOT about to let him go either. So back to the begging of this rant. I've been working out like pretty steady. Very rarely do I miss a week, unless I'm gone. My arms look pretty good I can see my quads, didn't know I had any AND I feel very good. But my goal of loosing 10lbs and one pants size is still way out my reach. I've been trying to figure out why.....It dawned on me that i'm back to my old anorexic ways, but instead of making me skinny, it's doing just the opposite. My body is in starvation mode. My body will NOT realse the fat above my muscles, it's storing it, NOT GOOD. So now my goal is to eat 3 meals a day with snacks inbetween. And of course I'm going to junk out on occasion. I'm a cake whore, can't help it, I would die without it! I also still smoke, although I'm on welbutrin to quit. I just pray I stick with it this time.
Anorexia is a disease, there is NO cure. Only remission. It's a mindset that must be dealt with every damn day. It's about not watching Americas Top Model or reading Vogue or any of those magazines. Because quite frankly, tha'ts NOT reality. Being healthy emotionally and physically takes work. We aren't just born with the tools to accomplish it. It has to be a consious decision, one that we have to make every day! One trick i've learned is that no matter how shitty about myself I might feel, I will NOT let those around me know it. I will walk with my head heald high and proud. I have a lot to be proud about. I'm not one to whine, it annoys the hell out of me. Even this isn't a whine, just a strange rant. I found out last time I did that about my son, I felt a hell of a lot better. So trying it again. Trying to clear my noggin a bit and focus on important stuff like cleaning and oraganizing my house, getting ready for my Ireland/London trip. I have soo much more better things to do than to obsess over superficial shit. And really, who wants to be around someone like that. I sure don't.
We all have our insecurities, we all have self doubt. But I tell ya, physical and emotional happiness go hand in hand. You really can't have one without the other. So instead of thinking about how unfair YOUR life is, sit back and think about what you can do to make your life better. Nobody will do it for you. Figure out what it it that's really bothering you. If it's your weight, make a decision to fix it. But please, please, dont' pick yourself apart in the process.
I have always been thin. It's a genetic thang! I was also very active as a child. So that helped. Unfortuneately I started developing at very young, age 10. Well trust me that the boys noticed. There is nothing quite like being told you have nice tits at the age of 11 by some teenage punk. Yea, was wonderful! I also had horny teenage boys in the neighborhood. I had a crush on one of them, hell we ALL did lol. At about age 12 is when abuse started from them. One kid kept pulling my bathing suit down in their pool. He did it so often that I had claw marks on my chest and boobs. He even did it infront of his MOM. All she said was "Oh Don, stop that" REALLY?? I would have bitched slapped my son into next week if he treated any girl that way. One night that kid and another kid (the one I had the crush on) held me down infront of my brother and felt me up, down, all around. NOW, i'm not wanting comments about this because I know a good portion of you women out there have had something like this happen, if not worse. This is just important to my personal anorexic mindset. The past is just that, the past. Anyways when I was 13, I think, my older sis told me that I had to be carefull because I was getting saddle bags in my thighs and pointed to them. Now I dont' think she meant to be mean, in all honesty I just looked at her like she was stoned lol. I didn't care. Fast forward a few months and we move to a completely new state. Being the new girl at 13 is a hell I don't wish upon my worst enemy, well maybe her as she was the cause of most my grief at that school. Anyways I was looking at pics that I had developed (pre-digi baby) and I saw the saddle bags my sis had warned me about....there went the eating. I was miserable in school, I felt like I had NO controll, but dammit I could controll my eating. I had acne, pretty bad infact. I felt my face to be more hideous than Medusa's, but damn I could have a good figure. After all my boobs got me a lot of attention the years before. I remember I weighed myself and I was 114lbs, I was about 5'6" by the time I was 14, but thought that was fat. So I ate just enough so I wouldnt get sick. Low blood sugar is NOT fun people!!! I also found out that taking NoDoze supresses the appetite. Well I got down to about 110. I was able to stay that way pretty much through all of high school. I would go down to 105, mom would yell at me and I would get back up to 110. I got called a bean poll on a regular basis. My friends were the pretty, popular ones. I was the tag along with the bad skin but killer body. I was lonely, couldn't figure out why the boys didn't like me, typical high school stuff really. We've all been there done that, would rather stick hot pokers into our eye balls than do it again. Looking back, I realize that when things were going good for me, my eating became more consistant and regular. My mom is a nurse, so its not like I couldn't ever eat. That women missed NOTHING lol. When things were bad, I didn't eat. Again, anorexia is mostly about control than weight. Granted weight is important to an anorexic, but the control factor is addictive. My lowest weight was when I was 19, I weighed about 100lbs. Yea, found out that weight when I was with my mom. Oooh that didn't go over so well. Got a 2 hour lecture from her, then another two hour lecture from my room mate. So I ate enough to prove that I was eating.
I got married when I was 21. The day after my 22nd b-day I quit smoking. I was about 105, 110 when I quit. I gained about 15-20lbs. I weighed myself once and was 125lbs. Was an odd weight for me. But I figured it was because I was married, husband is one hell of a cook, so I was eating lol. Of course I started smoking again. Then I got pregnant, quit smoking and gained about 50lbs lol. I lost all the weight within a few months. From that point till I was 34 I pretty much maintained a weight of 125-135. If I got above 135lbs I would smoke like a chimney and take diet pills. I started working out, I got down to about 125lbs again. I thought I looked good, but everyone else said I looked too thin, damned if you do, damned if you don't. Granted I was working out alot, but I was eating. BUT, I was also taking diet pills. Anyways I finally got sick of my mind frame. I only thought I was worth anything if I was thin. I used how awsome my body was as a way to attract attention. It was almost like I needed that validation, but damn one day I just realized how cheap I felt. SOOO I stoped working out. Figured I needed to learn to like myself NO matter what I looked like. Well several years and surgeries late I got my wish lol. I gained quite a bit of weight. I've been teetering on being overweight, but have managed, barely, to stay below the dotted line! Well I finally got tired of that shit. Although I do have to admit that I did learn to like myself a little bit. My husband had a lot to do with that. He's my rock and I swear I do NOT deserve that man, but I'm NOT about to let him go either. So back to the begging of this rant. I've been working out like pretty steady. Very rarely do I miss a week, unless I'm gone. My arms look pretty good I can see my quads, didn't know I had any AND I feel very good. But my goal of loosing 10lbs and one pants size is still way out my reach. I've been trying to figure out why.....It dawned on me that i'm back to my old anorexic ways, but instead of making me skinny, it's doing just the opposite. My body is in starvation mode. My body will NOT realse the fat above my muscles, it's storing it, NOT GOOD. So now my goal is to eat 3 meals a day with snacks inbetween. And of course I'm going to junk out on occasion. I'm a cake whore, can't help it, I would die without it! I also still smoke, although I'm on welbutrin to quit. I just pray I stick with it this time.
Anorexia is a disease, there is NO cure. Only remission. It's a mindset that must be dealt with every damn day. It's about not watching Americas Top Model or reading Vogue or any of those magazines. Because quite frankly, tha'ts NOT reality. Being healthy emotionally and physically takes work. We aren't just born with the tools to accomplish it. It has to be a consious decision, one that we have to make every day! One trick i've learned is that no matter how shitty about myself I might feel, I will NOT let those around me know it. I will walk with my head heald high and proud. I have a lot to be proud about. I'm not one to whine, it annoys the hell out of me. Even this isn't a whine, just a strange rant. I found out last time I did that about my son, I felt a hell of a lot better. So trying it again. Trying to clear my noggin a bit and focus on important stuff like cleaning and oraganizing my house, getting ready for my Ireland/London trip. I have soo much more better things to do than to obsess over superficial shit. And really, who wants to be around someone like that. I sure don't.
We all have our insecurities, we all have self doubt. But I tell ya, physical and emotional happiness go hand in hand. You really can't have one without the other. So instead of thinking about how unfair YOUR life is, sit back and think about what you can do to make your life better. Nobody will do it for you. Figure out what it it that's really bothering you. If it's your weight, make a decision to fix it. But please, please, dont' pick yourself apart in the process.
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